What She Needs
by AnneHutchenson
Summary: Post Reunion. Tony is determined to reach through the fortress of Ziva's heart and help them both to heal. Warning: Story contains spanking.
1. The Spanking

Tony slammed the remote onto the couch beside him, unable to concentrate on his favorite movie. His anger grew with each second that passed, each second she was not home. Ziva has accepted his offer to stay in his spare bedroom until she found a new apartment. Anything had been better than the Navy lodge she had briefly called home. He looked at the clock for the hundredth time and saw it was nearly midnight. Her phone had been off for most of the evening and his worry had long since turned to anger.

Today had been difficult, long and nearly deadly. The Navy Lieutenant they suspected of murdering his wife had opened fire on NCIS agents and local police. Ziva had run into a hail of bullets and taken him down in one swift move, never firing a round. The local police had considered her actions heroic, but Tony was simply scared.

He stood abruptly as he heard her key turn in the door. "Where the hell have you been!"

"Just because I agreed to stay here doesn't mean that I answer to you," her voice was indignant.

"Ok, the fact that I am your partner does give me the right to know what the hell you were doing today?" Tony yelled in anger tinged with fear.

"My job," she said flatly, walking past him into the living room.

"Really? Is it you job to break cover and physically take down a suspect that is shooting at us?"

"It is my job to apprehend suspects, just as it is you job Tony," she said dismissively. "Perhaps you were just too scared to act."

"What I am scared for is a partner that still seems to have a growing death wish."

"Don't be overdramatic, Tony."

"You still think you are responsible for everything that happened. You're trying to punish yourself," Tony said angrily.

Ziva stood silently refusing to break eye contact with her partner. She made no effort to defend herself, knowing his words were true. "Whether I am is of no concern to you."

"That is where your wrong, Ziva."

Tony inhaled slowly, squaring his shoulders. It was obvious that his words over the past several months were making no impact. Striding across the floor he pulled a straight back chair from a nearby desk into the center of the room. She recognizes the strong resolute man, she had come to know when Gibbs retired and Tony took over command of the team. It was a side of him that she found simultaneously annoying and remarkably sexy.

"What are you doing?" Ziva asked confused at Tony's actions and his sudden change in demeanor.

"Punishing you," Tony replied flatly. The anger in his voice had been replaced by stern resolve. "Front and center David."

She could not prevent a burst of laughter from escaping her lips. Strolling across the room she stopped so close to him that he could feel the heat from her body.

"And how exactly do you intend to do that?" She stared at him defiantly.

"I am going to spank you," he said flatly.

She seemed more amused than shocked. "How exactly do you intend to force me to go along with this fantasy?"

"I'm not going to force you to do anything," his voice was soft, but firm. "You are going to willing bend over my lap and submit to a spanking."

"And why exactly would I do that?" she smiled.

"Because you think that everything that happened is your fault. You think that the sins you have committed are so egregious that you cannot possibly be forgiven until you have paid some mythical penance. So you deny yourself the comfort of the people who would give their lives to protect you, because you don't think that you deserve it. You feel so guilty that so many people you loved are dead and you are alive that you seem to be actively trying to join them. You do not believe that you deserve to be loved or cared for until you have punished for some invisibles crimes that you believe you are guilty of." Tony's voice was low and his demeanor was unyielding. Her eyes lowered to focus on an invisible spot at the center of his chest. She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye, too afraid that he would see the truth of his words reflected in her eyes.

Tony took a deep breath to steel his nerves. She seemed so fragile and tiny, standing in front of him with her head bowed like a scolded child. She had endured so much in her young life. He wanted to gather her in his arms and protect her from any more pain, erase the scares on her soul and keep the demons that haunted her mind at bay. He knew that he could do none of that until he finally broke through the walls that kept her hidden from the very comfort for which she secretly longed. Right now she needed him to be strong. She needed him to do whatever it took to reach inside the fortress of her heart. She needed him to save her, not simply rescue her.

"Drop your pants," Tony's voice was low and stern. Ziva's eye widened in disbelief and her breath caught.

"I will not ask you again Ziva," he commanded in a voice that sounded more like Gibbs than Tony.

Reluctantly she unbuttoned her khaki cargo pants and slid them over her small hips. Tony took her wrist and guided her gently over his lap as his sat down, before either of them changed their minds. Her stomach churched at the embarrassment and vulnerability of the position. She felt like a child. He raised his right knee slightly and wrapped his hand around her slender waist.

Her thin cotton panties were little protection when his large hand came down firmly on her round bottom. She jumped reflexively, not believing this was actually happening.

"Tell me why you are being spanked," Tony commanded.

She swallowed hard, having hoped to get through this without uttering a sound.

His hand came down hard on the curve of her bottom. "I asked you a question David."

"Because I didn't trust you, trust any of you," she said quietly.

"And," his hand continued to methodically work its way from the center of her bottom to the tops of her thighs. Tony cupped his hand to increase the loud smacking sounded as it landed on her thinly covered bottom and add to the spankings psychological effect as it echoed through the room.

"Because I didn't come to you when this all started. Because I wasn't there for Michael," her voice faltered. This was far more difficult than she had originally thought. Her guilt and shame hung around her like a blanket, stifling her breath and choking her voice as she admitted her sins and her failures aloud for the first time. Tony's hand stung far more than she ever expected as it fell into an unrelenting rhythm of sharp quick stokes intended to sting like fire more than hurt. Despite her best efforts she found it difficult to be still. She had been shot, stabbed, beaten and tortured, yet she twisted and squirmed over Tony's lap like a child trying to escape a punishment. She could overpower him in an instant, a fact for which they were both certain. Still she did not. She deserved this and that knowledge only added to the overwhelming since of shame.

"I should have stopped Ari before our father changed him from my sweet brother to a monster. I should have been there to save Tali," despite her best efforts single tears escaped her eyes and her voice choked. She cursed herself, knowing he could hear them. "I have failed to protect everyone that I loved. I failed you. I failed Gibbs. I have failed NCIS. I have failed Mossad. I failed Israel. I long ago failed to be the daughter than my father wanted."

Tony's breath caught and his hand froze in midair as a wave of grief flowed through his body. He stared down at her for a long moment, trying desperately to find the words she needed to hear.

"Let me tell you something Ziva David," his said with the firm tone of a stern father, resting his hand on her bare thigh. "I doesn't matter what you've done. I doesn't matter where you go, where you hide or where you're taken. The people who love you will always come for you. Our world ended when we thought that we had lost you forever. You think that I don't see through the chinks in your armor? You think that I don't understand your failures and your weaknesses, just as you understand mind? They don't change the way I feel about you. They don't change the way Gibbs feels about you, or Abby or Ducky, or McGee. They don't make us love you less. They don't make me love you any less. I don't love you in spite of those things, Ziva David. I love you because of the woman you were and the woman you're becoming. I traveled half way around the world to avenge your death because I could not live without you. And I will be damned if I allow your guilt and your self-loathing to hide you away from the people who love you, the people who can help you heal."

"I don't deserve their love or yours," her voice was barely above a hoarse whisper.

She felt the cool air on her skin as his large, strong hand slid under her panties, pulling then down easily over her round bottom and dropping them to the pants that were crumpled at her ankles. This wasn't the first time that Tony had seen her naked. They had pretended to be lovers on an undercover assignment, but this was different. The vulnerability of it was overwhelming.

"My world ended when I thought you were dead. It began again the moment I saw your face.  
I would die for you. I would die with you and I would thank God with my last breathe for the opportunity to do so." She could hear the tears in his voice as he spoke.

Tony's hand concentrated a volley of sharp swats to her already warm sit spot, but this time she didn't squirm or even move. Her body was limp over his knee and he could tell her breath was coming in shallow gasps. A sob escaped her lips and flowed through her body in aching waves.

The sound of her tears cut through him like a knife. He gently turned her over in his arms amazed that such a fierce soul could fit into such a tiny body. Amazed at how easily she fit in his lap and against his chest. Tears streamed down her face and her body ached with decades of unshed tears. He wrapped her protectively in his arms bringing her head to rest on his shoulder.

"You're safe, you're loved and you're protected," he whispered into her hair, rocking her back and forth like a father comforting a child. Silent tears spilled from his eyes. "Just let it out, Ziva. Just let it go."

Slowly the wakes of grief turned into silent tears. When she finally lifted her head he looked down into her sad brown eyes. His strong hand cupped her cheek and wiped away her tears in a touch that was so light it felt like gossamer wings against her skin.

"I love you. My world will end if I lose you Ziva David," he said making no effort to conceal his own tears. "I need you to help me heal and to do that I need you to let me help you."

She gave a slow nod and rested her hand firmly against his chest to feel the beat of his heart.

Not bothering to put her pants back into place, he easily picked her up as he stood. His left arm wrapped securely around her waist and his right tucked under the silky skin of her knees. She leaned into his solid chest, resting her head on his shoulder.

Carrying her into the bedroom, Tony sat her gently on the bed, careful to avoid her bottom that was a bright shade of red against her tanned skin. Kneeling before her, his fingers untied the laces of her boots and slid them from her feet. Watching her intently, he slid her pant from her ankles, dropping them into a pile on the floor. Standing in front of her, he fumbled at the buttons of her shirt, sliding it off her slender shoulders. He inhaled the sweet smell of her perfume and marveled at the curves of her body. Ziva lifted her arms submissively to allow Tony to slip the large Ohio State t-shirt over her head. Stroking her thick brown curls he leaned down to kiss the top of her head, handing her a tissue before disappearing into the bathroom.

After blowing her noise, Ziva closed her eyes and leaned onto her elbow to rub her still stinging bottom.

"No," Tony said sternly, startling Ziva.

Kneeling down before her he gently took her wrist, placing her hand back into her lap. "No rubbing."

"It hurts," her words come out as more pouting than she intended.

He suppressed the urge to smile, "It is a spanking Officer David. It is suppose to hurt and it is suppose to be embarrassing. And when it's done, all is forgiven."

He could not help but notice her face flush with renewed embarrassment. Slipping his fingers into the curls of her hair, he brushed a cool washcloth over her face, soothing the heat of her tears.

"I love you Tony," she said softly, wrapping her fingers over his hand.

"I love you too, more than you will ever know," Tony kissed her forehead and lifted her easily, sliding her under the bed covers. Slipping his shoes off, he joined her, encircling her protectively in his arms.

"And if you need another spanking Ziva David, I will not hesitate to put you back over my knee."

She snuggled tighter against his chest, breathing in the smell of his body and relishing the feel of it pressed against hers, "If you ever even think of spanking me again or headslapping me, I will rip your heart out through you chest, Tony."

He smiled to himself, now that was the Ziva David that he knew. It would be a long road ahead and they both needed time to heal. Tonight at least, had been a start. For tonight he was contend just to cradle her in his arms. For tonight she was safe and he could keep away the demons that haunted her dreams. They would worry about the rest tomorrow.


	2. The Next Day

Ziva had shifted uncomfortably in her office chair most of the morning. She was amazed that Tony's hand could sting this much. The burn seemed to have increased long after the spanking was over. McGee, thankfully, had not noticed, but she was certain that her constant squirming would not pass by Gibb's discerning eye. Tony had watched in mild bemusement over the files on his desk. When Abby asked for her help in the lab, Ziva jumped at the chance to get out of the bullpen and to stand for awhile.

She strolled casually through the Lab doors and offered a quick "Hi Abby."

"Hey," Abby replied over her shoulder. "We got a fingerprint match in the Schuler homicide. It comes back to, surprise, surprise, Mrs. Schuler."

Ziva shifted from side to side, attempting in vain to find a position that didn't make her bottom smolder.

"If you have to pee, we can finish this in a minute," Abby offered.

"I am fine. But thank you."

Abby eyes her friend cautiously. Ziva had been subdued all morning. It was difficult not to notice Tony carefully watching her, though he obviously tried to be discreet.

"Why are you staring at me Abby?" Ziva asked self consciously.

Abby's face lit up with the enthusiasm of secret discovery. "You got spanked," she said as a statement instead of a question.

The flush of embarrassment on Ziva's face was all the confirmation that she needed.

"Tony?" Abby asked, searching for details. "What is a fun spanking or punishment spanking? They can both hurt, but there is something different about…."

"Abby!" Ziva interrupted.

"How'd he do it? Does it still hurt a lot?"

Ziva signed, reconciling that she was not going to get out of this without answering at least a few of the Goth's questions.

"Over his knee. With his hand. And yes it still stings a great deal."

"Did it make you feel better?" Abby asked with the innocence of a child.

It was an odd question to Ziva. One she had not considered until now, and she thought carefully.

"Yes it did," she replied thoughtfully. "You know when we were punished as children, there was never any prolonged human contact. We stood or bent over some object of convenience. We were not allowed to show pain or seek comfort. Such things were signs of weakness. And weakness was the gravest sin of all."

"That's horrible," Abby replied with sadness at the admission. She paused briefly before bouncing back to the opposite emotional extreme of excitement. "So what was it like, being spanked by Tony?"

Ziva paced around the metal table, gathering her thoughts with embarrassment mixed with confusion. "It was the strangest feeling. In many ways last night was worse than some of the punishments I received as a child, there was nothing to hide behind, not even clothing. Lying over Tony's lap was embarrassing and humbling. Having to take down my pants was simply mortifying. But it was also" she searched for the right words in English.

"Intimate? Safe? Loved?" Abby offered.

"Yes. It was painful and it stung life fire. But I felt completely safe for the first time in my entire life, I do not understand this. My emotion didn't frighten him or repulse him."

"If inflicting pain was sufficient to for you to feel that you had paid some penance, I think spending three months being beaten and tortured in a terrorist camp would have done it, don't you? "

Ziva let out a heavy sigh.

Abby stared into the face of her friend and recognized a woman fundamentally changed forever. The Ziva she knew before would never have been able to speak so openly. Abby secretly wondered what else about her would never be the same.

Abby's voice lowered and her eyes filled with sympathy and understanding. "You've spent your entire life hiding. Afraid that if anyone ever sees who you really are, understands how you really feel inside that they will never love you or they you will let them down or they will leave you.

Ziva's eyes filled with unshed tear and Abby knew that her words had struck an emotional cord. "You had nothing left to hide behind last night. You had to submit fully and completely to another person. To submit to being spanked over Tony's lap, you had to surrender completely to someone who loves you and who would die to keep you safe. For a moment you stopped hiding and you realized, what we all already know, that Tony is always going to be there to catch you. We all will ZIva, whether you want us too or not, whether you think that you deserve it or not. We love you and you are apart of us."

Abby wrapped her arms around Ziva and felt her body quietly tremble as fresh tears escaped her eyes.

#

"So, you spanked Ziva," Gibbs said flatly taking a sip of coffee and sitting on Tony's desk, intentionally invading his personal spaced.

"Look Boss," Tony replied defiantly, taking a deep breath. "I am not going to apologize for what I did. I did what I had to do in order to get through to her. I took her pants down. I put her over my knee and I spanked her. And I would do the exact same thing again."

"Did it work?" Gibb's asked simply.

"I hope so," Tony his large hand over his face. The worry and anguish in his voice was obvious. "She cried for awhile and she slept through the night for the first time. Gibbs, she doesn't think that she deserves to be loved. She has lost so many people, that it's like she thinks she deserves to join them."

Gibb's inhaled deeply, considering Tony's words carefully. "She's got to talk, about what happened in Africa and what's happened in her past."

"But isn't she seeing a department shrink?"

"Ziva is experienced enough to tell a shrink exactly what they want to hear," he said quietly, allowing his own concern to show through for a woman he considered a segregate daughter. "She needs someone that she can't manipulate, Dinozzo. She needs someone who will love her enough to push past her bullshit and not back down."

"What do I need to do Boss?" Tony asked.

"You already know what you need to do," Gibbs replied with an unyielding stare that spoke more than his words. "I don't want to see either of you back here this week."

Gibbs's toss the empty coffee cup into the trash and turned to walk away.

"What if it doesn't work boss?"

"Spanking worked once, do it again."


	3. A Fathers Love

The silence in the bullpen was unnerving to Ziva as she hoped for any distraction to drown out the voices replaying in her head. She had noticed Tony conspicuous absence since she returned from Abby's Lab, though she thought better of inquiring about his location. For the last several hours McGee had busied himself searching through computer files on their latest case. He looked up with a warm, friendly smile. Since she had returned McGee had gone out of his way to make her feel welcome as part of the team again, to let her know that she was not alone.

"With me Ziva," Gibbs said suddenly striding past Ziva's desk enroute to the elevator. "And grab your stuff."

She jumped to attention, grabbing her backpack and rushed to catch up with him. The moment the doors closed, he stopped the elevator casting them both into a glow of dim light. Her stomach churned in the awkward silent as Gibb's stared at her with an unreadable expression. She clasped her hand in front of her and tried hard to hide behind walls that were steadily crumbling. He wanted to be angry over the choices that she made recently. But staring into her sad brown eyes, the only emotion that he felt was empathy, fear and an overwhelming since of love.

"When Shannon and Kelly died, my world ended," he said began softly with a voice laced in emotion. "I wasn't there for them when they needed me the most. I abandoned them into the hands of a murderer. I could protect perfect strangers but I failed to protect my own wife and daughter."

"But you went off to fight a war, Gibbs. You could not have known what would happen."

"I wanted to die. I believed that I deserved to die. I went to the beach where we used to go," he swallowed hard against the growing lump in his throat and pushed forward with the words he needed to say, the words she needed to hear. "I put my service weapon to my head and I was prepared to pull the trigger."

"What made you stop?" Ziva asked hesitantly, this was a side of him that she had never seen.

"I saw the image of Shannon and Kelly playing on the beach. They deserved better than me taking a cowards way out. They deserved for me to honor their memory. I couldn't make up for what I did, but I would spend the rest of my life trying."

Ziva's eyes fell to the floor, no longer able to look him in the eye for fear that she would find a depth of disappointment there that she could not bare to see. He stepped closer to her, cupping her face gently with his hand and bring her eyes up to meet his own.

"Ziva, I have sabotaged every relationship and every chance for happiness that I have ever found, since they died, because I didn't believe that I deserved to be happy. I believed that what I had done was unforgivable and I deserved to be alone. I pushed away everyone who every truly loved me and ever tried to help me," his voice was soft and thick with the same emotion that glistened in his eyes. "I do not know what I have ever done to deserve a second chance to be a father. And I do not know what I have done to deserve such a strong, beautiful, intelligent and extraordinary young woman as you for my daughter. But I do know this I could not possibly love you more, Ziva, if you were my biological daughter."

Despite her best efforts, single tears spilled from her eyes as she took a jagged breath. Looking down at her tiny frame, so filled with fear, guilt and pain, he couldn't see the hardened warrior she tried so hard to portray. All he could see was a little girl crying for her father's approval and it look every ounce of resolve he had not to gather her in his arms and shield her from that pain.

"I love you too much to stand by and watch you destroy your life because you cannot let go of the pain and guilt that you feel. I love you too much to watch you repeat the mistakes of my life. You need to talk about what happened, Ziva. You need to face it. You need to deal with it and you need to let it go."

She squeezed her eyes against the burning tears and tried to steady her breath. The feel of his arms envelope and draw her protectively closer, made such attempts futile. She wrapped her arms around his waist and twisted her fists into the fabric of his jacket.

"My love is unconditional Ziva. There is nothing that you have done or ever will do that will make me love you any less," he whispered as his hand gently stroked her brown curls.

When he felt her trembling subside he spoke again in the voice of a loving father that left no room for debate. "Tony is waiting for you downstairs. You are going to deal this and he will help you. But you're not coming back here until you do. Are we clear?"

She nodded, her face still buried in his jacket.

Gibb's arm held her tightly to his chest as his right hand landed firmly on her still tender bottom. She jumped in surprise more than pain.

"And if you ever risk your life again for something that stupid," he whispered into her hair. "It won't be Tony's knee you're turned over and it will be more than a few days before you can sit down again. Do you understand me, Ziva?"

She swallowed hard, "Yes sir."


	4. I Will Not Let You Fall

Under a veil of starless midnight sky Tony maneuvered the sedan along the snaking gravel drive leading up to the small log cabin. The sound of crushing gravel echoed in Ziva's mind as she stared from the passenger seat into blackened Virginia woods. They had been on the road for well over an hour and she had yet to say a word. Only Tony seemed to notice the awkward silence that hung between them since leaving the Navy Yard. Ziva had been lost in a world of her own, silently reliving chapters of her past that she longed to bury with the bodies left behind.

"We're here," Tony said softly, shifting the car into park and studying her face for any sign of the thoughts hidden behind her painted mask. All he found there was profound sadness, but it was the aura of defeat enshrouding her that frightened him the most.

Silently she stepped from the car and grabbed the bag Tony had packed for her earlier in the afternoon.

"Here let me help you," he said jogging around to the passenger side.

"I am fine, Tony," she said flatly, turning from him and heading towards the cabin.

Tony took a deep breath of the chilled night air and watched the shape of her body move in the glow of a brilliant full moon. The red hint in her hair sparkled as it swayed against her shoulders and her hips rolled as she walked, much like a lioness sauntering along the Serengeti. He could no longer deny that she was his entire world, the salvation he had waited for his entire life. It was a realization that may have come too late and the pain of that knowledge was palpable.

"Do you have a key or do I need to pick the lock," she said loudly from the front porch in a voice edged with irritation more than sarcasm.

Fishing the key from his jeans pocket, Tony joined her on the wood framed porch. His arm brushed against her skin as he reached passed her to unlock the door. Her muscles stiffened and he felt her lean away. A wave of regret flowed through him and he silently mourned a thousand missed opportunities and lifetime of failures.

Turning on the ceiling light, Ziva surveyed the surprisingly stylish cabin. Tony couldn't help but notice that her eyes paid more attention to the windows, doors and potential sources of cover than the comfortable furnishings.

"Ziva, I…." Tony began.

"I'm tired Tony. I am going to bed," she interrupted, in a veiled attempt to prevent the conversation that she saw coming. Ziva knew that she could not avoid it forever but for tonight it seemed more than she could bear.

Shutting the bedroom door behind her, she leaned her head back against the dark wood and closed her eyes. Gibbs, Tony and Ducky were right; she could not bury her past without it haunting her future forever. But she had survived her past once, she didn't believe that she had the strength to live through it a second time.

#

Tony lay on the overstuffed couch and listened to the rain fall against the cabin's tin roof. Sleep had failed to come and his mind was left to replay the events of the past year. Death and failure had guided them from one desert hell to another. He could still remember the heat on his skin and the dry air in his lungs as he and Ziva walked up to that abandoned diner more a year ago. The ominous dread that sank into his soul at the sight of the bullet holes riddling the building was as real to him now as that very day. The emotion laced in Ziva's voice as she called him over, told him that Jenny was gone before he ever saw her body lying in a pool of her own blood. It was one of a million images that would be burned into his memory, haunting him, until the moment of his own death.

The sound of a woman's shrill scream startled him back into the present and his hand reflexively wrapped around the molded grip of his Sig Saur pistol. Scanning the room he quickly made his way to bedroom, using the doorframe as cover and pushing open the door with his left hand. It was then that he saw her silhouetted against the windows moonlight. She moved in a flash, kicking the gun from his hands and forcing him back against the far wall with a crashing thud.

"Ziva," he screamed as she ran through the backdoor into the night.

Ignoring the shooting pain in his ribs he ran after her, past the row of northern pines and into the small open field behind. The rain poured in rolling waved and clouded his vision in the still darkness. His body froze at the sight of her in the moonlight. The rusted metal pipe clutched in her hands glowed in the soft white light. Her eyes were cold and terrified. Her body rigid and coiled like a trapped animal. He saw no recognition in her eyes, only the veil of panic and fear of a waking nightmare. Thunder crashed in the distance cause her body to duck on instinct.

"Ziva?" he said softly. "Ziva, it's me. Everything is going to be okay."

He stepped towards her and she swung the steel pipe, narrowly missing his head by inches.

"Stand down Officer David," Tony ordered, rising to full height, squaring his shoulders.

Her muscles stiffened, turning to flea further into the woods.

"I said stand down Officer David," Tony bellowed in a deep guttural command that belied the panic in his chest.

She froze at the sound of his words and a shadow of recognition flashed in her eyes through a veil of fear. He prayed that he had finally reached her. Walking towards her, he moved in slow and deliberate steps as though desperately trying not to startle a frightened animal.

"Ziva, it's okay. It's Tony. You're safe. I won't let them hurt you. But you have to give me the pipe," his words were strong and firm and left no room for dispute.

His hand grazed against her cold skin as he slowly took the steel from her trembling hand. Her eyes burned into his with fear and confusion. Tony swallowed hard and tried to will away his own panic and fear. The woman silently shivering before him seemed so small and fragile. Terror spilled from her body into crisp night air and cemented her bare feet to the wet ground. This was not the woman he had known for four years, the woman he had worked beside every day. He wondered how much of her still lay in a sandy grave beneath the hot African sun. He silently prayed for the words that she needed to hear, prayed that his own fear would not show through.

"Ziva, you're safe. I will not allow anyone hurt you," his voice was soft and she longed to believe the truth of his words. He extended his hand, patiently waiting for her to reach out for his comfort. So much of her life had been stripped of the luxury of choice, he knew that whatever hope remained of saving her lay partially in helping her rebuild what had so long ago been taken.

She tried to speak but the words would not come. She tried to run but her legs would not move. Instead her delicate fingers stretched out slowly into his strong hand. He felt her muscles weaken and her knees begin to buckle. His arms wrapped reflexively around her, absorbing the full brunt of her weight and pressing her trembling body against his own. He easily lifted her into his protective arms and carried her as a fragile package that could shatter at any moment. Her arms snaked tightly around his neck and her face buried into the crook of his neck. The warmth of her tears fell against is skin as he carried her back into the shelter of the cabin.

Water dripped from her cold, wet cloths and mixed with the mud that caked into her hair and on her skin. Carrying her into the bathroom, Tony's eye caught sight of them in the large barren mirror hanging above the sink. She looked so fragile and tiny in his arms, clutching his neck and hiding her face from the world. She looked so much like a frightened child, clinging to a desperate hope of safety in her father's arms. Tony doubted that she had ever found that safety in Eli David's arms. Pressing his back firmly against the wall he slid softly down onto the cold porcelain tile. Ziva drew her knee towards her chest and pressed her face deeper into his neck. Her hands twisted tightly into his shirt as she released a ragged sob.

"Your safe now Ziva," Tony kissed her tangle of wet curls and wrapped her tighter in his arms. "I won't let anyone hurt you. I know you're scared, but you have to trust me. Just let it go. I won't let you fall."

Resting his cheek against the top of her head, he felt the sobs flow through her body in unrelenting waves and allowed his own tears to silently fall.

"I believed I'd never see you again," he whispered. "Not even death could take me away from you again."


	5. Nowhere Else I’d Rather Be

He sat down on the tub, pulling Ziva with him onto his lap. He was surprised at the feel of her muscles relaxing against his solid chest. Keeping his left arm protectively around her waist and he used his right to adjust the water temperature.

"Hey," he said softly, his cheek against her hair. "The shower will help. I'll be right outside, okay."

Helping her to stand, Tony held her tightly to him and kissed the top of her brown hair. "I'll be right outside."

He was surprised at the feel of Ziva's arms tighten around him, preventing him from leaving her side. His fingers gently tilted her chin upwards, allowing her large brown eyes to meet his own. With much effort he swallowed the growing lump in his throat at the depth of fear and pain in her fragile eyes.

She started to speak, but the words would not come. Her eyes fell to the floor, unable to allow him to see through to her unguarded soul.

"It's okay, Ziva," Tony placed his hands gently on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him, praying that she would see the truth in his eyes. "You are the strongest, bravest, most incredible person I have ever met. Whatever happened in Somalia did not change who you truly are. I know that you're scared. I know that you're confused. I know that you're hurting. That makes you human, not weak. I love you more than my own life and I will never leave you again. I want to be the one place on the face of the earth that you can come and be unconditionally accepted and understood and loved. And if it takes me the rest of my life, I will prove that to you."

He made no effort to conceal the tears spilling from his eyes and with them fresh tears poured down her cheeks. "We are going to get through this and we are going to do it together, one step at a time. But you have to be willing to let me."

His eyes asked hers for silent acceptance. She nodded, still not trusting her voice.

His fingers weaved into the brown curls at the nap of neck and his lips tenderly kissed her forehead.

Ziva raised her arms submissively as Tony slowly lifted her t-shirt above her head, discarding it into the nearby corner. The wet steam felt good against her bare flesh. Tony's eyes remained locked onto hers providing the silent strength of a man whose love she longed to believe was true. His large hands eased under the waist band of her sweatpants, sliding them over her round hips and allowing them to fall in a puddle at her ankles. Wrapping his arms securely around her waist he steadied as she stepped out of them on legs she feared might not hold her. Those arms remained tightly around her as he helped her to step into the porcelain tub. The hot water poured against her flesh and eased her sore muscles. She leaned back against his chest, finding comfort in the feel of his solid body against hers. The water soaked into his cloths, making them cling to contours of his muscled body.

His fingers gently untangled the knots in her hair and smoothed it away from her face. She closed her eyes and savored the feel of his fingers slowly messaging the fruit scented shampoo into her scalp. Her hand reached behind her, clinging to the fabric of his pants.

"It's okay," he whispered. "I've got you."

He rinsed the mud and debris from her hair and felt her muscles weaken, their energy sapped from the hot steam. Tony wrapped his arms around her waist and allowed them both to sink into the tub. Pulling her comfortably into his lap, he felt her body melt into his.

Tony rubbed a white washcloth against the bar of soap until it was difficult to tell where the fibers ended and frothy lather began. He smoothed it gently along the nape of her neck, on her shoulders, against her chest and down her contoured flat stomach. The soft cloth felt silken against her skin. With his left hand he raised her arms allowing him to wash the caked mud and rust from her flesh. Leaning her forward slightly in his arms, she felt his strong hand messaging her aching back. His hand trailed along her hip, slowly washing away the grim from her skin and needing away the deep knots in her muscles as he went.

As the silken lather drained from her body she felt a deep set ach flow with it, for now, along with the last vestiges of her strength. When the water finally ran clean, Tony easily lifted her as he stood, turn off the showers squeaking faucet. Her head leaned against his shoulder and her palm pressed against his chest to feel the beat of his heart. Carrying her into the bedroom he sat her gently on a thick blanket at the foot of the bed. He smoothed a soft terrycloth towel along her skin, absorbing the water than clung to her body.

"Tony," she said in a voice that sounded reluctant even to speak. "I am sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything. For putting you through all of this."

Tony leaned over her until she could feel the heat of his breath against her skin, "Even if you believe nothing that I have ever told her in my life, please believe this: I love you Ziva David and there is nowhere else on earth that I would rather be than here with you."

She shut her eyes tightly against the fresh tears that escaped and felt his strong hand brushing against her cheek.

Slipping a large t-shirt over her head, Tony slid her under the cotton sheets. She allowed her head to sink into the soft pillow and grabbed his hand tightly as he turned to leave.

"I'm soaking wet, sweet cheeks. I've got to change," he said with a smile. Still her fingers clung around his hand. "It's okay."

She watched as he stripped the thin white t-shirt from his chest, exposing his tanned skin and the muscles of his chest and stomach, glistening in the moonlight. As he pulling down his dripping pants she marveled at his solid thighs. She could not help but smile as he peeled off the wet briefs and bent over to retrieve a pair of dark sweat pants from the floor.

"Are you ogling my ass?" Tony asked with a laugh.

"What if I am?"

"Then I am a very lucky man to have such a beautiful woman view me as eye candy," he said easing into bed next to her. She curled the length of her body against his, her hand savoring the feel of his bare chest and the comfort of his embrace. His arms tighten protectively around her frame as the last strength she had succumbed to exhaustion.

For hours Tony listened to the sound of her breath and felt her rhythmic heart beat against his skin. He had never been a man of religion or conventional faith, but in the darkness he thanked whatever higher power brought her back to him and somehow miraculously opened her heart to his help. Still, he silently prayed that he had the strength to help her heal, the ability to help her be whole again. He silently prayed that somehow he would find away to help her talk about the one thing she had never divulged, the one thing that ate at her sole: what happened in that camp.


	6. Please Don't Hide From Me

Ziva awoke slowly through a tired haze and reached out for Tony. A surge of panic and confusion ran through her body as she realized the space beside her was empty. Slowly she climbed out of bed, making her way across the bedroom floor. Turning the corner into the darkened living room, she saw him. Tony sat silently, his back against the wall and a glass of bourbon in his hand.

"Tony?"

The moonlight cast the room into a dance of pale light and shadows. It wasn't until she was near to him that she could see the tears glistening on his cheeks.

"Tony?" He refused to answer, to afraid that his voice would betray him.

"Tony, what is wrong?" she asked insistently.

"I'm fine, Ziva. Go back to bed," he answered in voice hushed and hoarse, whether from emotion or the alcohol, she couldn't tell.

"You are obviously not fine," Ziva eased her tired body onto the floor beside him. "You are sitting alone on the floor drinking in the dark and you are obviously crying. Talk to me."

Inhaling deeply, Tony abruptly stood, reaching out to gently take her arm, "Come on, let's get you back to bed."

Despite her aching body Ziva recoiled sharply from his touch, knocking Tony easily off balance. His nonchalance and condensation sent waves of anger through her.

"You expect me to discuss many of the most difficult and challenging events of my life with you, yet you will not speak openly with me as to what is troubling you," the anger in her voice was palpable.

Tony turned from her, as much to avoid her accusing eyes as to regain his crumbling composure. His fingers clutched the glass of amber liquid.

"Look at me," she demanded.

In fury, Tony spun, slamming the glass into the opposite wall little more than six inches from Ziva's body. His body froze the moment it left his hand. The moment his mind registered what he had just done. The moment he saw the flash of fear in Ziva's eyes and realized that he was the cause. A wave of grief flowed through him as the weight of that knowledge set into his bones. His shoulders slumped and his large hands covered his face.

"My Dad was right," Tony whispered. "My entire life has been a failure."

"How can you say that?"

"How can I not?"

"The only serious relationship I have ever had was while I was undercover. And still I managed to break her heart and make her hate me enough to accuse me for murder. I was standing six inches from Kate and I couldn't save her. I was only feet from Paula and couldn't save her. I was assigned to protect Jenny and I let her die. All that I wanted to do was protect you, and instead I managed to destroy whatever trust you had in me. I pushed you away to the point that you would rather stay in Israel than come back with us. All I wanted to do was protect you and instead I drove you to the same people I wanted to protect you from, I drove you to Somalia."

He slid down the paneled wall, raising his knees and burying his head into his folded arms, too ashamed to allow his eyes to meet hers.

"Tony, please look at me." Ziva knelt before him and placed her hands gently on his arms, coaxing his face from hiding. The warmth of her body sent trimmers across his cold skin. "You have seen me at my worst and most vulnerable, Tony. You have seen me in moments when I am repulsed at my own weakness, yet you have not judged me. Why are you to ashamed to reveal that same vulnerability to me? Why do you think so little of me, that you fear you would not find the same depth of understanding in me that I have found in you?"

When his eyes reluctantly met hers, she saw the shimmering tracks of silent tears streaming down his chiseled features. A mixture of pain, guilt, shame, and desperation fought for dominance in his hazel eyes.

"Tony, the path to this moment did not begin with Michael. It began the moment that I came to NCIS. My entire life, I was taught to believe and feel and behave a certain way. I did not know that there was any other possibility. And then, by chance or fate, I came here. I found a family, not of blood, but of love; a family that loved me and accepted me without condition. For years I have walked with one foot in NCIS and one foot in Mossad. I knew the day would come when those worlds would collide," Ziva took a deep breath. "When Michael died I knew that day had come."

"Because of me," Tony said in trembling voice.

"I did not stay in Israel because I had lost trust in you. I did not wish to trust you," she swallowed the growing lump in her throat, searching for the words that he needed to hear. "I trusted Michael and he was dead. I trusted Ari he is dead. Tali trusted that I would always be there for her and yet she died in my arms. I trusted my father and…." Her voice faltered as she blinked back hot tears. "Everyone I have ever trusted in my entire life has either betrayed me or ended up dead. I have always known in my heart that you would not betray me. But I do not believe that I would survive loosing you."

His strong hand cupped her cheek, gently wiping away a single tear.

"What are you so afraid of that you cannot be open, even with me?" The words came as more of a plea than a question.

"I am not afraid, I am terrified," his voice of thick with shameful tears.

"Of what?"

"That you will wake up one morning and see the man that I truly am and walk away. That you will finally realize what everyone else has always known."

"I see you clearly Tony, I always have. What I see is a strong, kind, understanding, funny, amazing man trying his best to hide a frightened boy from the light of day," her eyes pleaded with him to believe the truth of her words. "I love you Tony. I have am in love with you, all of you. Please don't hide from me."

A sob escaped his lips and his body began to tremble under her touch. She felt his muscles relax, allowing her to pull him into her arms, cradling him against her. She rocked him as a mother would comfort a frightened child, as she had comforted Tali on so many nights. Wave after wave of long held grieve flowed through his body as she held him tighter, the sounds of a Hebrew lullaby drowning his ragged sobs.


End file.
